I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
