I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
