then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
