She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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