he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
