I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
