my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
