I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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