i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
