I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
