Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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