he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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