shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
