Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can't turn off my feet"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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