I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
