I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
