So drunk, too bad you don't want this
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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