um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i think i just lost a toe
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
