So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
