did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
