Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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