Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
