just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
