I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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