If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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