I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
