Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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