I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
