the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You ate ashes out of my bong
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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