you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
