I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
