Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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