And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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