the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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