its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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