Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
