I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
