I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
