I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
