We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
