Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to