Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.