This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep