This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.