Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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