I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
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Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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