Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
