I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
