Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
