I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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