Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did I show you my penis last night?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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