I wish you could order shots online.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
