i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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