They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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