I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
