I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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