I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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