Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my being single is dangerous.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
