i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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