I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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